I am going there- lets talk about sex during pregnancy and post pratum. If you haven’t figured it out by now, I don’t have any issues talking about the things that other people might not want to talk about. I have no problems being honest with people about my experiences, or sharing my knowledge. Something that comes up quite often (very tentatively) is what about sex?
Sex during pregnancy, sex around birth, sex after birth. Very few people talk about it, and as a result very few women know WHO to talk to about it, and feel isolated or embarrassed… until someone like me comes along and asks them how it is going. Usually to be pregnant you have had sex (unless you have used assisted fertility). That may be the last “normal” sex you have for quite a while! But this isn’t necessarily a bad thing.
With the changes of hormones surging through your system after you become pregnant, it can change your body and how it responds to sex in a variety of ways. I know I turn from a raving wild woman to someone that bursts into tears at everything from a hug to an ant getting squashed (seriously…).
Some of the changes (in relation to sex during pregnancy) you might experience could include:
- Increased libido
- Decreased libido
- Difficulty having an orgasm
- Increased intensity of orgasm
- Wanting to only masturbate
- Decrease in lubrication
- Increase in lubrication
- Increased sensitivity in nipples
- Intercourse hurts or feels uncomfortable
- Some bleeding after sex (this can occur from the cervix being irritated, similar to after a pap-smear- if worried though, always seek more information from your care provider)
- A greater spiritual connection to your partner, the trees, your hot water bottle, anything that makes you smile
All of these are completely normal (well except maybe the connection to your hot water bottle), and nothing to be worried about. Listen to your body, see what it is that you want, how you feel, and go with that. There is no “right” or “wrong”, there is no one way you “should” feel.
A common concern later in pregnancy is that by having sex the baby might be “poked in the head” or hurt by the partners penis. This is not the case! In fact sex is very often recommended in late pregnancy by midwives and birth workers. Sex is great at relaxing you, but it is also fantastic at getting the labour hormones going.
Oxytocin is the primary hormone that causes the contractions of the uterus, it is the very same hormone that is released when we are in love, when we touch skin with someone, and then a big surge of it is released into the blood stream when we orgasm.
The other reason sex can be great at starting labour is the hormones that help to ripen the cervix (prostaglandins) are also found in mens semen. Please be aware though- sex in late pregnancy may need a little imagination, it may end in fits of laughter, and it may be awkward or uncomfortable. Again, all completely ok and normal!
When it comes to sex during labour, or to get it all going, really there aren’t any restrictions other than your comfort zone- or if your waters have broken. If your waters have broken and you have not yet started having any surges, it is important that nothing goes into your vagina (including anyones fingers!), as your baby is no longer in an enclosed environment, and it may encourage infection- which you definitely don’t want!
You can however get aroused, and use kissing, touching, clitoral, or nipple stimulation (or anything else that turns you on providing nothing goes into your vagina) with no ill effects, and it will get that oxytocin flowing wonderfully as well.
After birth is a whole different ball game. There is a lot of misinformation about when it is safe to have sex after you have given birth, whether it is different if you have had a cesarean, or vaginal birth, whether you are still bleeding, etc, etc, etc…. The list goes on. Bottom line- if you feel ready, go for it. Everyone is different. Again though, with the huge change in the hormonal balance, women may experience a huge range of changes including (but not limited to):
- Increased libido
- Decreased libido
- Difficulty having an orgasm
- Increased intensity of orgasm
- Wanting to only masturbate
- Decrease in lubrication
- Increase in lubrication
- Increased sensitivity in nipples
- Intercourse hurts or feels uncomfortable
- Becoming an absolute nutter when high on the oxytocin and want to burst into tears at any sign of affection as she is so full of love
Sound familiar? It is quite common for intercourse to be uncomfortable or painful the first few times after giving birth, especially if it is quite soon afterwards (within a few weeks). If it feels uncomfortable or painful then please be gentle, don’t force it.
Your body is readjusting to life without a baby inside, and forcing sex won’t help anyone. In some instances, if the pain is ongoing and doesn’t improve with time, it may be an indication that there is something going on. Common (or less so) causes may be vaginismus (contraction of muscles in vaginal wall making any sort of penetration extremely painful, or just not physically possible. Quite often from psychological issues, or birth trauma), or vulvar vestibulodynia (extreme pain, commonly appears after vaginal birth, may cause pain all the time, or just with intercourse, may also cause itching). Both of which are quite often misdiagnosed, missed, or dismissed.
Please, if you have pain that doesn’t improve then go and get it checked out! Talk to your midwife, ask for a referral to a pelvic physiotherapist, do something about it! Sex is such a fundamental aspect of so many relationships, it is super important that if you are experiencing any issues to address them sooner rather than later.
Another very common issue with sex after birth is that you just. don’t. want. it.
One of the main hormones that helps us breastfeed is prolactin. As well as giving our bodies the signals to make milk it also has other functions as well. One of these is to suppress libido, and to suppress ovulation (by suppressing FSH). This works on a couple of levels, the first being evolutions way of helping to ensure the babies survival- less interest in Dad and sex, making sure Mum is focussed on the new baby, but also helping to prevent any more pregnancies until the baby is weaned and less dependant on the mother.
IMPORTANT– please make sure you use the appropriate contraception as breastfeeding doesn’t ensure you don’t fall pregnant, it just reduces the likelihood. It can be quite a challenging time for partners/fathers, especially if you have had little or no interest in sex during pregnancy, then potentially months after the birth you still have no interest. It can make them feel displaced, inadequate, unworthy or neglected (all words I have heard from men directly).
Guys- Please if you are reading this, it is not personal! It is not intended! Us mothers have our instincts kick in, and focus is on the baby, it is not intentional that we don’t want to have sex, it’s not you! It quite literally is us, it is our body working as it was designed.
Really I have only just skimmed the surface, but in short- if it feels good then go for it. If it doesn’t, and it causes you pain that doesn’t get better at all then seek help.
If you don’t feel like sex right now, then ask your partner to be patient.
Another area that has women (and men) concerned is that they won’t “feel the same” after they give birth, that their vagina will be stretched or not tight enough. This is not true! Some women (and their partners) say that it actually feels like it is tighter after birth.
When we give birth our whole pelvis area is filled with blood to help the muscles loosen, stretch, adjust, and help to allow the baby to make its way from the uterus, down through our vaginas and into the world, after this happens the blood flow diminishes and goes back to normal, which allows all of our tissues to do the same.
If you have suffered from birthing trauma, you may feel reluctant to share that part of yourself with anyone, it may be appropriate to seek counselling to work though not only your birth trauma, but also to gain trust to allow yourself to share that part of you with your partner again as well. Birth trauma unfortunately is a very real event, and it has great impact on all areas of a woman’s life- including her sex life.
It may not seem like it, but birth trauma can be overcome, and you can go on to experience fantastic births (and sex!) after. Don’t be afraid to face it and work through the pain. I wish you all happy, painless, orgasm filled sex!